THE BARLOWS AND MAGOCKIES BY JIM BYRNE

The Barlows and Magockies were always at war
Barlow came out and clipped Magockies jaw
Down in a daze,Everything a haze
Chuffin nora Mavis, You`ve had better days

A long standing fued over kids had ensued
You fly by night trollop, Your so chuffin rude
I`ll wallop your kids,And you besides
Get on your feet,Don`t think you can hide

Two fat ladies, Scrapping in the dirt
Very common,Just Two big fat flirts
Magockie lashed out with such stunning force
Barlow lay moaning,Still shouting of course

The air had turned blue as the crowd grew and grew
Magockie was winning,She was using her shoe
Big barlow`s corsetts had burst wide open
her massive behind, What can you do,

Get up you trollop, Your showing us up
Your showing your sundries,Pick them all up
Barlow hit out,Down went Magockie,
That`ll teach you, Your far to cocky

Two ladies showing all they had got
Rolling in dirt ,this was their lot
a day without scrapping just wasn`t right
The Barlows and Magockies just had to fight

Copyright James Byrne

A HAUNTING BY JIM BYRNE

I spotted thee muther int middle ot neet
Hers bin dead ten year,her gid me a freet
A thowt wid geet burglers, Were sendin fot bobbies
It were thee muther knittin, Doin er hobbies

House wants doin ya big lazy oaf
ger out o yer pit, Go gerra loaf
nows not covenient, Call again later
I`ll haunt thee forever ya big fat taater

Her nagged me in life night noon and day
Her still does it now in much the same way
I`ll get one o they excorsists That`ll doot trick
Ill gid her a whack wit me big walkin stick

Her thinks i`m stupid, She knows thats not true
She flings things at me,Usually me shoe
I`m nailin them down,Cos when tha`s gont sleep
A clout round the yead with thee shoe makes thee weep

I`ll have the last laugh, She doesn`t know it
I`ll have five excorsists waitin,She`s blown it
What she`s got comin is down to herself
How dare she still nag, She`s jealous o me wealth

Copyright  James Byrne

NO MORE BY JIM BYRNE

My dad were a drunk
Every waking hour in the pub
The smell was quite alarming
Always less than charming

He made me do Elvis impressions
When he`d had a drink
You`ll be all shook up one day
Stand away, you stink

I`d sing into the end of a brush
If i sang off key,do it again, he`d say
There`s no hope for this guy
I`ll knock him out one day

My sisters all thought he was crackers
One day the  eldest  kicked him  in the knackers
As he writhed on the floor,We ran for the door
Shouting serves ya right,you`ll`ll do it no more

Copyright James Byrne

NEVER NEVER BY JIM BYRNE

My clubman is comin on friday at four
Hide behint couch,dont ansert door
I owe him three weeks he`ll go chuffin mad
I owe everybody,it`s down to your dad

He gets things ont drip and leaves it to me
A smooth talkin sort,i`ll pay you`ll see
When me clubman comes round,nowhere to be seen
He`s proppin up the bar in the old british queen

If that clubman knocks more than twice it`s a farce
I`ll put dog muck int yard so he`ll fall on his elbow
It`s a nightmare bein skint, i`ve got tic everywhere
Im so chuffin stressed and losin me air

He`s comin downt path with his book in his hand
He`s claimin i owe him two an half grand
All of us hidin i thought he had gone
I opened the door and there he was stood, the big maupin scone

Copyright James Byrne

AGGY ATKINS BY JIM BYRNE

I joined one o them datin agencies
I wanted to meet my soulmate
They sent me a girl called agatha atkins
I knew i could love,without debate

I`ll meet thee one day
You`ll know me of course
Iv`e gorra glide in one eye
And a limp here to stay

The eye straightenin doc
Said he could do no more
The times iv`e fell ower
Just lookin at the floor

I feel so self concious
With me limp and me glide
She didn`t know if i was lookin at her
Or lookin right by her side

Folk think i`m simple
Because i can`t focus
It gets on me wick
It`s just so atrocious

She smokes woodbines and has a cleft chin
She`s got two new hips and two brand new knees
I looked at her and thought where have you been
Love at first sight,Just like a queen

Despite our afflictions,it all came together
Humpin and bumpin,goin hell for leather
She screamed out in pain,i was very concerned
Her knees  a week old were hurting and burned

Agatha atkins, she`s right for me
The positions were such, i just couldn`t see
Lets do it agin as soon as you like
Not bloody likely ,ger on yer bike

 Copyright James Byrne

POOR NORMAN BY JIM BYRNE

I loved Scottish dancin
When i were at School
All that jumpin an twizzin
I looked a complete fool

Miss Smith lined us up
ready to fling
Higland music rang in our ears
Norman my mate in front had had a few beers

We started to dance
He was attacked by the runs
Splashed out of his pants
my shoes full of dung

The class collapsed laughing
Miss Smith wondered why
Whats that smell, own up, don be shy
Poor Norman went red we all knew why

It`s me miss iv`e got dioreah
I had a few shandy`s made up with beer
Ive pood in my kex,couldnt help myself
Sorry bout your shoes lads, i shouldn`t be here

Copyright James Byrne

FIX ME BY JIM BYRNE

Listen am bound to tell thee
It`s really summat grand
Put thy at an coyet on
I`ll tek thee by thand

Wev`e to see about me knee caps
Replacin em tha see`s
Av ed sum jip for many a year
An now there bein fixed, no fear

When am dun an bout allt pain
I`ll tek thee fo a reet good do
Me dad ed jip an look at im
He`s quicker gerrin tut loo

He wo took short many a neet
He`d jump out o bed an land on his knee`s
He`d cus an swear, frustrated to death
Mageret he`d shout,will ya elp me wi these

He`d make it just in time,i`m jus same
Me knees give out every day
Al fall down at any time,folk think thart drunk
It`s these chuffin knee`s,i`m sunk

Were celebratin now dust see
No more goin tut loo on me knees
I ope this op will do the trick
Then i can chuck away this chuffin stick

Me next job is changin me teeth
it`s particulaly ard wen i`m chewin on beef
As get me knee`s reet, a job on me feet
in three month time a should be  alreet

Copyright  James Byrne

ALISON SIDEBOTTOM BY JIM BYRNE

A Morning breeze a lighter rain
Mothers voice is becoming a pain
Get up,Go tert park
And don`t come back till after it`s dark

Another day int park with three rides
What could i do, it`s bobby legs
I`ll be there today from eleven till four
Do i have to go
I cant cope with this anymore

I met a girl called  Alison Sidebottom
Five minutes wi her,It felt good to be there
the lighter rain in my face
after a four hour chat
she said me mums out
Come back to my place.

As we sat and talked i found her a charm
Was it her looks , her bum or her eyes,
Her bacon barms
Or  legs that reached for the skies

It was that she was beautiful
Oozing wit and charm
I was entranced by her fragrance
Her looks her kindness and elegance

On my way home i got very wet
Not cos it was raining
No , i`d fell in the gutter
I`d really fair let
I was in love with Alison Sidebottom
I didn`t care
Come hell or high water i`d been glad to be there

Copyright James Byrne

LESLIE`S TEETH BY JIM BYRNE

My Local shopkeeper had me fetchin and carryin
Five nights a week and mornings too
Look after the shop while i visit the loo
Moans and groans i could hear very clear
He sounded constipated
Shouting chuffin nora , oh dear
When i`ve finished on here
Will you go to my house and fetch my false teeth
See florence she`ll wrap them in parchment
if not ask for keith
As i walked back with teeth in my hand
Damp came through the parchment
When i got back the paper had gone
He put them straight in his mouth
Good job he said keep it up john

Copyright James Byrne

FLYING FEET BY JIM BYRNE

There`s a man comes down our street
When he passes our door all you can see is his feet
He`s skennin drunk,shouts up the IRA
On top of all this his shins are tattood with the words i want to play

Lizzie Blinkhorn at number seven delights in this
She says its heaven
She`s not seen a mans leg since she was twenty seven
At sixty three she`d love to see
Him calling round for more than tea

Maud and doris at number five
Can`t be doing with all this jive
His teeth fall out when he`s upside down
Maud said to doris
Who is this clown

You know him he`s betty`s chap
They`ve got five kids,she`s always out
He`s a lovely man no wonder he drinks
Have you been in their house
It chuffin stinks



Copyright James Byrne

OUR MA BY JIM BYRNE

Our ma`s gorra new fella
Arthur ,a big brass band fan
He`s had six wives int past
And a Jeremy Kyle show int can

She thinks he`s a bedwetter
We all think he`s a pain
he`s puffin on that naffin tuba
Come hail,shine or rain

He thinks he`s a future with our ageing ma
We dont think so cos he`s to fond of a jar
No man`ll ger is feet under er table ever again
She`s done it all, to much of a pain

She`s norra go out our ma
She sits and chews wrigleys
and watches Columbo till its dark
Though she will venture out now an then
For a short stroll rount local park

Brass band nights is norr our ma`s cup of tea
So Arthur wer`e sure will be gone soon ,we`ll see
He`s writin letters and sends flowers every day
Sayin ,dont dump me Betty
I want to be here to stay

On yer bike boy  she shouted througt letterbox one day
I`m tellin you now Arthur your not here to stay
You`ve peed in my bed
Now on your way boy, Ive gorra shockin head

Copyright James Byrne