THE BARLOWS AND MAGOCKIES BY JIM BYRNE

The Barlows and Magockies were always at war
Barlow came out and clipped Magockies jaw
Down in a daze,Everything a haze
Chuffin nora Mavis, You`ve had better days

A long standing fued over kids had ensued
You fly by night trollop, Your so chuffin rude
I`ll wallop your kids,And you besides
Get on your feet,Don`t think you can hide

Two fat ladies, Scrapping in the dirt
Very common,Just Two big fat flirts
Magockie lashed out with such stunning force
Barlow lay moaning,Still shouting of course

The air had turned blue as the crowd grew and grew
Magockie was winning,She was using her shoe
Big barlow`s corsetts had burst wide open
her massive behind, What can you do,

Get up you trollop, Your showing us up
Your showing your sundries,Pick them all up
Barlow hit out,Down went Magockie,
That`ll teach you, Your far to cocky

Two ladies showing all they had got
Rolling in dirt ,this was their lot
a day without scrapping just wasn`t right
The Barlows and Magockies just had to fight

Copyright James Byrne

A HAUNTING BY JIM BYRNE

I spotted thee muther int middle ot neet
Hers bin dead ten year,her gid me a freet
A thowt wid geet burglers, Were sendin fot bobbies
It were thee muther knittin, Doin er hobbies

House wants doin ya big lazy oaf
ger out o yer pit, Go gerra loaf
nows not covenient, Call again later
I`ll haunt thee forever ya big fat taater

Her nagged me in life night noon and day
Her still does it now in much the same way
I`ll get one o they excorsists That`ll doot trick
Ill gid her a whack wit me big walkin stick

Her thinks i`m stupid, She knows thats not true
She flings things at me,Usually me shoe
I`m nailin them down,Cos when tha`s gont sleep
A clout round the yead with thee shoe makes thee weep

I`ll have the last laugh, She doesn`t know it
I`ll have five excorsists waitin,She`s blown it
What she`s got comin is down to herself
How dare she still nag, She`s jealous o me wealth

Copyright  James Byrne

NO MORE BY JIM BYRNE

My dad were a drunk
Every waking hour in the pub
The smell was quite alarming
Always less than charming

He made me do Elvis impressions
When he`d had a drink
You`ll be all shook up one day
Stand away, you stink

I`d sing into the end of a brush
If i sang off key,do it again, he`d say
There`s no hope for this guy
I`ll knock him out one day

My sisters all thought he was crackers
One day the  eldest  kicked him  in the knackers
As he writhed on the floor,We ran for the door
Shouting serves ya right,you`ll`ll do it no more

Copyright James Byrne

NEVER NEVER BY JIM BYRNE

My clubman is comin on friday at four
Hide behint couch,dont ansert door
I owe him three weeks he`ll go chuffin mad
I owe everybody,it`s down to your dad

He gets things ont drip and leaves it to me
A smooth talkin sort,i`ll pay you`ll see
When me clubman comes round,nowhere to be seen
He`s proppin up the bar in the old british queen

If that clubman knocks more than twice it`s a farce
I`ll put dog muck int yard so he`ll fall on his elbow
It`s a nightmare bein skint, i`ve got tic everywhere
Im so chuffin stressed and losin me air

He`s comin downt path with his book in his hand
He`s claimin i owe him two an half grand
All of us hidin i thought he had gone
I opened the door and there he was stood, the big maupin scone

Copyright James Byrne

AGGY ATKINS BY JIM BYRNE

I joined one o them datin agencies
I wanted to meet my soulmate
They sent me a girl called agatha atkins
I knew i could love,without debate

I`ll meet thee one day
You`ll know me of course
Iv`e gorra glide in one eye
And a limp here to stay

The eye straightenin doc
Said he could do no more
The times iv`e fell ower
Just lookin at the floor

I feel so self concious
With me limp and me glide
She didn`t know if i was lookin at her
Or lookin right by her side

Folk think i`m simple
Because i can`t focus
It gets on me wick
It`s just so atrocious

She smokes woodbines and has a cleft chin
She`s got two new hips and two brand new knees
I looked at her and thought where have you been
Love at first sight,Just like a queen

Despite our afflictions,it all came together
Humpin and bumpin,goin hell for leather
She screamed out in pain,i was very concerned
Her knees  a week old were hurting and burned

Agatha atkins, she`s right for me
The positions were such, i just couldn`t see
Lets do it agin as soon as you like
Not bloody likely ,ger on yer bike

 Copyright James Byrne

POOR NORMAN BY JIM BYRNE

I loved Scottish dancin
When i were at School
All that jumpin an twizzin
I looked a complete fool

Miss Smith lined us up
ready to fling
Higland music rang in our ears
Norman my mate in front had had a few beers

We started to dance
He was attacked by the runs
Splashed out of his pants
my shoes full of dung

The class collapsed laughing
Miss Smith wondered why
Whats that smell, own up, don be shy
Poor Norman went red we all knew why

It`s me miss iv`e got dioreah
I had a few shandy`s made up with beer
Ive pood in my kex,couldnt help myself
Sorry bout your shoes lads, i shouldn`t be here

Copyright James Byrne

FIX ME BY JIM BYRNE

Listen am bound to tell thee
It`s really summat grand
Put thy at an coyet on
I`ll tek thee by thand

Wev`e to see about me knee caps
Replacin em tha see`s
Av ed sum jip for many a year
An now there bein fixed, no fear

When am dun an bout allt pain
I`ll tek thee fo a reet good do
Me dad ed jip an look at im
He`s quicker gerrin tut loo

He wo took short many a neet
He`d jump out o bed an land on his knee`s
He`d cus an swear, frustrated to death
Mageret he`d shout,will ya elp me wi these

He`d make it just in time,i`m jus same
Me knees give out every day
Al fall down at any time,folk think thart drunk
It`s these chuffin knee`s,i`m sunk

Were celebratin now dust see
No more goin tut loo on me knees
I ope this op will do the trick
Then i can chuck away this chuffin stick

Me next job is changin me teeth
it`s particulaly ard wen i`m chewin on beef
As get me knee`s reet, a job on me feet
in three month time a should be  alreet

Copyright  James Byrne