If you`re getting so big, You eat like a pig,
And getting to be quite obese,
Don`t worry about what you eat,
Just diet until you can see you`re feet.
There`s crunchies and picnics,
There`s jap desert squares,
All making you fatter,
Who the chuff cares.
I tried that weightwatchers,
All to no avail,
Made me feel giddy
Folk said , I looked pale.
The stairs get harder to climb,
I`ll move a bit slower,Just take me time.
Take aways, I love em to bits,
I look like a woman with big hanging tits.
There`s hope for us fatties,
Give up the chips,
Push youself harder,
You`ll have smaller hips.
Diets are boring , Never give up,
Cut down the ale, You love a good sup,
Some fruit is fattening, Steak puddings too,
Do it for others, The least you can do.
Sunday, 10 February 2013
Saturday, 8 December 2012
SUE BENDER BY JIM BYRNE
My dad`s always charmed women,
They thought he wert Bee`s Knee`s,
His antics were alarmin,
He copped of with women With ease.
He`s an embalmer by trade,
Preserving the women he`d had,
Four times a week, Had it made,
A real old charmer me dad.
Little one`s Big one`s,He didn`t care,
If one walked past he would look,
It were their smell, Their flowing blonde hair,
One whiff , He were took,
One day he pulled Ada Allsop,
Bunyans and Boils on her arse,
This one was way overt top,
He realised, This is a farce.
He settled down with Sue Bender,
She`s from next door but Two,
He ditched the idea of big Brenda,
She`d taken to violence wit shoe.
Two weeks of strife, All gone past,
Hitting and belting wit shoe,
One of his ears had been slashed,
All`s right with Sue from next door but Two.
Copyright, James Byrne
They thought he wert Bee`s Knee`s,
His antics were alarmin,
He copped of with women With ease.
He`s an embalmer by trade,
Preserving the women he`d had,
Four times a week, Had it made,
A real old charmer me dad.
Little one`s Big one`s,He didn`t care,
If one walked past he would look,
It were their smell, Their flowing blonde hair,
One whiff , He were took,
One day he pulled Ada Allsop,
Bunyans and Boils on her arse,
This one was way overt top,
He realised, This is a farce.
He settled down with Sue Bender,
She`s from next door but Two,
He ditched the idea of big Brenda,
She`d taken to violence wit shoe.
Two weeks of strife, All gone past,
Hitting and belting wit shoe,
One of his ears had been slashed,
All`s right with Sue from next door but Two.
Copyright, James Byrne
Sunday, 5 August 2012
Monday, 23 July 2012
A TOUCH OF THE FARMERS BY JIM BYRNE
I went to my doctor today,
Anxious to hear what he`d say,
You`ve got piles young fella my lad,
Nothing to worry over, They`re not that bad.
Wondered why i`d to sit on one cheek,
Felt like my sphinckter ad sprung a leak,
Only the farmers,What the hell,
When I sat on both cheeks, I could tell.
Try this ointment and this rubber band,
If all that fails,I`ll try me hand,
Not chuffin likely, I said to the quack,
Come near me piles, You`ll get a swift whack.
Coupled with that you have the worms,
Not surprised when you sit, Your backside squirms,
Hoping and praying, This wont last long,
Can`t stand the pain, Can`t wear me thong.
The inconvenience is not overstated,
With these piles,I`m so irritated,
Feels like me backside is over inflated,
To top all this, I`m so constipated.
Indulge yourself with pile cream,
Now and again, You`ll let out a scream,
The pain is horrendous,
Hang on to hope, The cure is tremendous.
Anxious to hear what he`d say,
You`ve got piles young fella my lad,
Nothing to worry over, They`re not that bad.
Wondered why i`d to sit on one cheek,
Felt like my sphinckter ad sprung a leak,
Only the farmers,What the hell,
When I sat on both cheeks, I could tell.
Try this ointment and this rubber band,
If all that fails,I`ll try me hand,
Not chuffin likely, I said to the quack,
Come near me piles, You`ll get a swift whack.
Coupled with that you have the worms,
Not surprised when you sit, Your backside squirms,
Hoping and praying, This wont last long,
Can`t stand the pain, Can`t wear me thong.
The inconvenience is not overstated,
With these piles,I`m so irritated,
Feels like me backside is over inflated,
To top all this, I`m so constipated.
Indulge yourself with pile cream,
Now and again, You`ll let out a scream,
The pain is horrendous,
Hang on to hope, The cure is tremendous.
Wednesday, 29 June 2011
THE BARLOWS AND MAGOCKIES BY JIM BYRNE
The Barlows and Magockies were always at war
Barlow came out and clipped Magockies jaw
Down in a daze,Everything a haze
Chuffin nora Mavis, You`ve had better days
A long standing fued over kids had ensued
You fly by night trollop, Your so chuffin rude
I`ll wallop your kids,And you besides
Get on your feet,Don`t think you can hide
Two fat ladies, Scrapping in the dirt
Very common,Just Two big fat flirts
Magockie lashed out with such stunning force
Barlow lay moaning,Still shouting of course
The air had turned blue as the crowd grew and grew
Magockie was winning,She was using her shoe
Big barlow`s corsetts had burst wide open
her massive behind, What can you do,
Get up you trollop, Your showing us up
Your showing your sundries,Pick them all up
Barlow hit out,Down went Magockie,
That`ll teach you, Your far to cocky
Two ladies showing all they had got
Rolling in dirt ,this was their lot
a day without scrapping just wasn`t right
The Barlows and Magockies just had to fight
Copyright James Byrne
Barlow came out and clipped Magockies jaw
Down in a daze,Everything a haze
Chuffin nora Mavis, You`ve had better days
A long standing fued over kids had ensued
You fly by night trollop, Your so chuffin rude
I`ll wallop your kids,And you besides
Get on your feet,Don`t think you can hide
Two fat ladies, Scrapping in the dirt
Very common,Just Two big fat flirts
Magockie lashed out with such stunning force
Barlow lay moaning,Still shouting of course
The air had turned blue as the crowd grew and grew
Magockie was winning,She was using her shoe
Big barlow`s corsetts had burst wide open
her massive behind, What can you do,
Get up you trollop, Your showing us up
Your showing your sundries,Pick them all up
Barlow hit out,Down went Magockie,
That`ll teach you, Your far to cocky
Two ladies showing all they had got
Rolling in dirt ,this was their lot
a day without scrapping just wasn`t right
The Barlows and Magockies just had to fight
Copyright James Byrne
Saturday, 11 June 2011
A HAUNTING BY JIM BYRNE
I spotted thee muther int middle ot neet
Hers bin dead ten year,her gid me a freet
A thowt wid geet burglers, Were sendin fot bobbies
It were thee muther knittin, Doin er hobbies
House wants doin ya big lazy oaf
ger out o yer pit, Go gerra loaf
nows not covenient, Call again later
I`ll haunt thee forever ya big fat taater
Her nagged me in life night noon and day
Her still does it now in much the same way
I`ll get one o they excorsists That`ll doot trick
Ill gid her a whack wit me big walkin stick
Her thinks i`m stupid, She knows thats not true
She flings things at me,Usually me shoe
I`m nailin them down,Cos when tha`s gont sleep
A clout round the yead with thee shoe makes thee weep
I`ll have the last laugh, She doesn`t know it
I`ll have five excorsists waitin,She`s blown it
What she`s got comin is down to herself
How dare she still nag, She`s jealous o me wealth
Copyright James Byrne
Hers bin dead ten year,her gid me a freet
A thowt wid geet burglers, Were sendin fot bobbies
It were thee muther knittin, Doin er hobbies
House wants doin ya big lazy oaf
ger out o yer pit, Go gerra loaf
nows not covenient, Call again later
I`ll haunt thee forever ya big fat taater
Her nagged me in life night noon and day
Her still does it now in much the same way
I`ll get one o they excorsists That`ll doot trick
Ill gid her a whack wit me big walkin stick
Her thinks i`m stupid, She knows thats not true
She flings things at me,Usually me shoe
I`m nailin them down,Cos when tha`s gont sleep
A clout round the yead with thee shoe makes thee weep
I`ll have the last laugh, She doesn`t know it
I`ll have five excorsists waitin,She`s blown it
What she`s got comin is down to herself
How dare she still nag, She`s jealous o me wealth
Copyright James Byrne
Saturday, 21 May 2011
NO MORE BY JIM BYRNE
My dad were a drunk
Every waking hour in the pub
The smell was quite alarming
Always less than charming
He made me do Elvis impressions
When he`d had a drink
You`ll be all shook up one day
Stand away, you stink
I`d sing into the end of a brush
If i sang off key,do it again, he`d say
There`s no hope for this guy
I`ll knock him out one day
My sisters all thought he was crackers
One day the eldest kicked him in the knackers
As he writhed on the floor,We ran for the door
Shouting serves ya right,you`ll`ll do it no more
Copyright James Byrne
Every waking hour in the pub
The smell was quite alarming
Always less than charming
He made me do Elvis impressions
When he`d had a drink
You`ll be all shook up one day
Stand away, you stink
I`d sing into the end of a brush
If i sang off key,do it again, he`d say
There`s no hope for this guy
I`ll knock him out one day
My sisters all thought he was crackers
One day the eldest kicked him in the knackers
As he writhed on the floor,We ran for the door
Shouting serves ya right,you`ll`ll do it no more
Copyright James Byrne
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