Iv`e got trapped wind,
It wont recind,
Iv`e bent over chairs, Fell down me stairs,
Still me trapped wind, It clings.
Medicine doesn`t work me, Prunes don`t help either,
Sat on me beday with a raging hot fever,
Gut warch and swelling is rife,
Might have to go under the surgeons knife,
The wind in the willows has got nothing on this,
When i`m sat in a crowd, This could be it,
My belly rumbles , Makes lots of noise,
When all this comes out, Watch out boys.
A walking gas bag is what iv`e become,
Can nothin help to open my bum,
Me sphinckter`s locked shut, Has been for ages,
Doc said, Sit tight , It comes out in stages.
Tried famlax, Senacott, A white bottle too,
Can`t even bend down and fasten me shoe,
Don`t point your bum at the wall when seeming to lose,
The force of the blast blows you clean out your shoes.
Stand at the door in case of release,
When will this wind blow and chuffin well cease,
Permanant cramps , I`m bloated to hell,
When will it go, No one can tell.
Am feelin a rumble , Volcanic eruption,
Runnin tut door so as not to cause ructions,
False alarm, no, Yet again,
At this rate `ill end up livin int den.
At last the day came, It lifted me up,
A machine gun volley, It frightened our pup,
My gut was now emptied, Freedom at last,
All cos me backside let off a blast.
As good luck would have it, A grey windy day,
Thank God the smell was soon blown away,
Six weeks i`d waited, Losing all heart,
Cured by the blast of a jolly good fart.
Friday, 17 January 2014
Monday, 30 December 2013
WIT THINLAWS BY JIM BYRNE
Al tell about my story,
Me sat nav has been nicked,
It`s just not hunky dory,
I`ll find out who, They`ll get a kick.
A can`t seet numbers in`t dark,
Even with far seers on,
Will there be a place to park,
When we leave will our car be gone.
Not so keen on thinlaws anyway,
Pickin on this, Pickin on that,
Never agree, The will not sway,
Both walk round in boler hats.
One time turns in`t music hall,
Seen em all they say,
Alus been to every ball,
The audience they will play.
We are here now on Christmas day,
Stupid party hats to wear,
Parkin our car Three streets away,
Almost more than I can bear.
First hour is all about complaints,
Her back, His big toe, Arthritis too,
He`s a follower of the saints,
She only wears one shoe.
It`s illness ,Rugby, Had a new loo,
Party time , Annie Zeigler amd Webster Booth,
I want George singin old brown shoe,
It makes you want to move.
He knows everything, He`s done it all,
He puts this world to rights,
You know nowt, He`ll tell you that,
He`s wearing ladies tights.
Very fetching I must say,
Thinks he`s on that stage,
Puts on make up every day,
Doesn`t know his age.
Away wit fairies, So it seems,
I`m drained , We`re leaving soon,
What a day wit thin laws
I`m knackered with these Two loons
Me sat nav has been nicked,
It`s just not hunky dory,
I`ll find out who, They`ll get a kick.
A can`t seet numbers in`t dark,
Even with far seers on,
Will there be a place to park,
When we leave will our car be gone.
Not so keen on thinlaws anyway,
Pickin on this, Pickin on that,
Never agree, The will not sway,
Both walk round in boler hats.
One time turns in`t music hall,
Seen em all they say,
Alus been to every ball,
The audience they will play.
We are here now on Christmas day,
Stupid party hats to wear,
Parkin our car Three streets away,
Almost more than I can bear.
First hour is all about complaints,
Her back, His big toe, Arthritis too,
He`s a follower of the saints,
She only wears one shoe.
It`s illness ,Rugby, Had a new loo,
Party time , Annie Zeigler amd Webster Booth,
I want George singin old brown shoe,
It makes you want to move.
He knows everything, He`s done it all,
He puts this world to rights,
You know nowt, He`ll tell you that,
He`s wearing ladies tights.
Very fetching I must say,
Thinks he`s on that stage,
Puts on make up every day,
Doesn`t know his age.
Away wit fairies, So it seems,
I`m drained , We`re leaving soon,
What a day wit thin laws
I`m knackered with these Two loons
Saturday, 7 September 2013
WHO IS MY DAD BY JIM BYRNE
I`m pregnant again with a smile,
It could be one of three,
Iv`e rang up Jeremy Kyle,
To see who it could be.
Could be Ste, Or Josh, Or Bill,
Had all Three in one day,
I wont tell them yet, Not until,
Jeremy Kyle has his say.
He does those tests that tell you who,
I`m sat there hopin it`s Ste`s,
I`m hopin his foot fits my shoe,
If not I`m on my knees,
Came our day on the telly,
Cameras and Jezza everywhere,
Me with my big fat belly.
Ste, Bill and Josh in the chair.
Something on the end of it was the roar,
Who is the father he said,
Ste, Bill and Josh looked so bored,
Who did you take to your bed.
Being drunk stops me remembering,
Could be all three i suppose,
Could be Ste, He saw to my rendering,
He was quite cheap too, As it goes.
Handed the results, Jezza , What,
That minutes silence shattered my nerves
I`m coming out in red spots,
It`s not them that altered your curves.
I`m buggered if i know the father,
All Three were now in`t clear,
I don`t know who else i had been with,
That day , I`d been so full of beer.
Living in hope i would find him,
Jezza to do more tests,
Recall a blokes name, Think it was jim,
Untill i find him, I wont rest.
It could be one of three,
Iv`e rang up Jeremy Kyle,
To see who it could be.
Could be Ste, Or Josh, Or Bill,
Had all Three in one day,
I wont tell them yet, Not until,
Jeremy Kyle has his say.
He does those tests that tell you who,
I`m sat there hopin it`s Ste`s,
I`m hopin his foot fits my shoe,
If not I`m on my knees,
Came our day on the telly,
Cameras and Jezza everywhere,
Me with my big fat belly.
Ste, Bill and Josh in the chair.
Something on the end of it was the roar,
Who is the father he said,
Ste, Bill and Josh looked so bored,
Who did you take to your bed.
Being drunk stops me remembering,
Could be all three i suppose,
Could be Ste, He saw to my rendering,
He was quite cheap too, As it goes.
Handed the results, Jezza , What,
That minutes silence shattered my nerves
I`m coming out in red spots,
It`s not them that altered your curves.
I`m buggered if i know the father,
All Three were now in`t clear,
I don`t know who else i had been with,
That day , I`d been so full of beer.
Living in hope i would find him,
Jezza to do more tests,
Recall a blokes name, Think it was jim,
Untill i find him, I wont rest.
Sunday, 10 February 2013
DIETS ARE BORING BY JIM BYRNE
If you`re getting so big, You eat like a pig,
And getting to be quite obese,
Don`t worry about what you eat,
Just diet until you can see you`re feet.
There`s crunchies and picnics,
There`s jap desert squares,
All making you fatter,
Who the chuff cares.
I tried that weightwatchers,
All to no avail,
Made me feel giddy
Folk said , I looked pale.
The stairs get harder to climb,
I`ll move a bit slower,Just take me time.
Take aways, I love em to bits,
I look like a woman with big hanging tits.
There`s hope for us fatties,
Give up the chips,
Push youself harder,
You`ll have smaller hips.
Diets are boring , Never give up,
Cut down the ale, You love a good sup,
Some fruit is fattening, Steak puddings too,
Do it for others, The least you can do.
And getting to be quite obese,
Don`t worry about what you eat,
Just diet until you can see you`re feet.
There`s crunchies and picnics,
There`s jap desert squares,
All making you fatter,
Who the chuff cares.
I tried that weightwatchers,
All to no avail,
Made me feel giddy
Folk said , I looked pale.
The stairs get harder to climb,
I`ll move a bit slower,Just take me time.
Take aways, I love em to bits,
I look like a woman with big hanging tits.
There`s hope for us fatties,
Give up the chips,
Push youself harder,
You`ll have smaller hips.
Diets are boring , Never give up,
Cut down the ale, You love a good sup,
Some fruit is fattening, Steak puddings too,
Do it for others, The least you can do.
Saturday, 8 December 2012
SUE BENDER BY JIM BYRNE
My dad`s always charmed women,
They thought he wert Bee`s Knee`s,
His antics were alarmin,
He copped of with women With ease.
He`s an embalmer by trade,
Preserving the women he`d had,
Four times a week, Had it made,
A real old charmer me dad.
Little one`s Big one`s,He didn`t care,
If one walked past he would look,
It were their smell, Their flowing blonde hair,
One whiff , He were took,
One day he pulled Ada Allsop,
Bunyans and Boils on her arse,
This one was way overt top,
He realised, This is a farce.
He settled down with Sue Bender,
She`s from next door but Two,
He ditched the idea of big Brenda,
She`d taken to violence wit shoe.
Two weeks of strife, All gone past,
Hitting and belting wit shoe,
One of his ears had been slashed,
All`s right with Sue from next door but Two.
Copyright, James Byrne
They thought he wert Bee`s Knee`s,
His antics were alarmin,
He copped of with women With ease.
He`s an embalmer by trade,
Preserving the women he`d had,
Four times a week, Had it made,
A real old charmer me dad.
Little one`s Big one`s,He didn`t care,
If one walked past he would look,
It were their smell, Their flowing blonde hair,
One whiff , He were took,
One day he pulled Ada Allsop,
Bunyans and Boils on her arse,
This one was way overt top,
He realised, This is a farce.
He settled down with Sue Bender,
She`s from next door but Two,
He ditched the idea of big Brenda,
She`d taken to violence wit shoe.
Two weeks of strife, All gone past,
Hitting and belting wit shoe,
One of his ears had been slashed,
All`s right with Sue from next door but Two.
Copyright, James Byrne
Sunday, 5 August 2012
Monday, 23 July 2012
A TOUCH OF THE FARMERS BY JIM BYRNE
I went to my doctor today,
Anxious to hear what he`d say,
You`ve got piles young fella my lad,
Nothing to worry over, They`re not that bad.
Wondered why i`d to sit on one cheek,
Felt like my sphinckter ad sprung a leak,
Only the farmers,What the hell,
When I sat on both cheeks, I could tell.
Try this ointment and this rubber band,
If all that fails,I`ll try me hand,
Not chuffin likely, I said to the quack,
Come near me piles, You`ll get a swift whack.
Coupled with that you have the worms,
Not surprised when you sit, Your backside squirms,
Hoping and praying, This wont last long,
Can`t stand the pain, Can`t wear me thong.
The inconvenience is not overstated,
With these piles,I`m so irritated,
Feels like me backside is over inflated,
To top all this, I`m so constipated.
Indulge yourself with pile cream,
Now and again, You`ll let out a scream,
The pain is horrendous,
Hang on to hope, The cure is tremendous.
Anxious to hear what he`d say,
You`ve got piles young fella my lad,
Nothing to worry over, They`re not that bad.
Wondered why i`d to sit on one cheek,
Felt like my sphinckter ad sprung a leak,
Only the farmers,What the hell,
When I sat on both cheeks, I could tell.
Try this ointment and this rubber band,
If all that fails,I`ll try me hand,
Not chuffin likely, I said to the quack,
Come near me piles, You`ll get a swift whack.
Coupled with that you have the worms,
Not surprised when you sit, Your backside squirms,
Hoping and praying, This wont last long,
Can`t stand the pain, Can`t wear me thong.
The inconvenience is not overstated,
With these piles,I`m so irritated,
Feels like me backside is over inflated,
To top all this, I`m so constipated.
Indulge yourself with pile cream,
Now and again, You`ll let out a scream,
The pain is horrendous,
Hang on to hope, The cure is tremendous.
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