WHO IS MY DAD BY JIM BYRNE

I`m pregnant again with a smile,
It could be one of three,
Iv`e rang up Jeremy Kyle,
To see who it could be.

Could be Ste, Or Josh, Or Bill,
Had all Three in one day,
I wont tell them yet, Not until,
Jeremy Kyle has his say.

He does those tests that tell you who,
I`m sat there hopin it`s Ste`s,
I`m hopin his foot fits my shoe,
If not I`m on my  knees,

Came our day on the telly,
Cameras and Jezza everywhere,
Me with my big fat belly.
Ste, Bill and Josh in the chair.

Something on the end of it was the roar,
Who is the father he said,
Ste, Bill and Josh looked so bored,
Who did you take to your bed.

Being drunk stops me remembering,
Could be all three i suppose,
Could be Ste, He saw to my rendering,
He was quite cheap too, As it goes.

Handed the results, Jezza , What,
That minutes silence shattered my nerves
I`m coming out in red spots,
It`s not them that altered your curves.

I`m buggered if i know the father,
All Three were now in`t clear,
I don`t know who else i had been with,
That day , I`d been so full of beer.

Living in hope i would find him,
 Jezza to do more tests,
 Recall a blokes name, Think it was jim,
Untill i find him, I wont rest.

DIETS ARE BORING BY JIM BYRNE

If you`re getting so big, You eat like a pig,
And getting to be quite obese,
Don`t worry about what you eat,
Just diet until you can see you`re feet.

There`s crunchies and picnics,
There`s jap desert squares,
All making you fatter,
Who the chuff cares.

I tried that weightwatchers,
All to no avail,
Made me feel giddy
Folk said , I looked  pale.

The stairs get harder to climb,
I`ll move a bit slower,Just take me time.
Take aways, I love em to bits,
I look like a woman with big hanging tits.

There`s hope for us fatties,
Give up the chips,
Push youself harder,
You`ll have smaller hips.

Diets are boring , Never give up,
Cut down the ale, You love a good sup,
Some fruit is fattening, Steak puddings too,
Do it for others, The least you can do.

SUE BENDER BY JIM BYRNE

My dad`s always charmed women,
They thought he wert Bee`s Knee`s,
His antics were alarmin,
He copped of with women With ease.

He`s an embalmer by trade,
Preserving the women he`d had,
Four times a week, Had it made,
A real old charmer me dad.

Little one`s Big one`s,He didn`t care,
If one walked past he would  look,
It were their smell, Their flowing blonde  hair,
One whiff , He were took,

One day he pulled Ada Allsop,
Bunyans  and Boils on her arse,
This one was way overt top,
He realised, This is a farce.

He settled down with Sue Bender,
She`s from next door but Two,
He ditched the idea of big Brenda,
She`d taken to violence wit shoe.

Two weeks of strife, All gone past,
Hitting and belting wit shoe,
One of his ears had been slashed,
All`s right with Sue from next door but Two.

Copyright, James Byrne

CONTACT JIM BYRNE

CONTACT ME. EMAIL. jamesbyrne@email.com
TEXT ME 07570578646

A TOUCH OF THE FARMERS BY JIM BYRNE

I went to my doctor  today,
Anxious to hear what he`d say,
You`ve got piles young fella my lad,
Nothing to worry over, They`re not that bad.

Wondered why i`d to sit on one cheek,
Felt like my sphinckter ad sprung a leak,
Only the farmers,What the hell,
When I sat on both cheeks, I could tell.

Try this ointment and this rubber band,
If all that fails,I`ll try me hand,
Not chuffin likely, I said to the  quack,
Come near me piles, You`ll get a swift whack.

Coupled with that you have the worms,
Not surprised when you sit, Your backside squirms,
Hoping and praying, This wont last long,
Can`t stand the pain, Can`t wear me thong.

The inconvenience is not overstated,
With these piles,I`m so irritated,
Feels like me backside is over inflated,
To top all this, I`m so constipated.

Indulge yourself with pile cream,
Now and again, You`ll let out a scream,
The pain is horrendous,
Hang on to hope, The cure is tremendous.

THE BARLOWS AND MAGOCKIES BY JIM BYRNE

The Barlows and Magockies were always at war
Barlow came out and clipped Magockies jaw
Down in a daze,Everything a haze
Chuffin nora Mavis, You`ve had better days

A long standing fued over kids had ensued
You fly by night trollop, Your so chuffin rude
I`ll wallop your kids,And you besides
Get on your feet,Don`t think you can hide

Two fat ladies, Scrapping in the dirt
Very common,Just Two big fat flirts
Magockie lashed out with such stunning force
Barlow lay moaning,Still shouting of course

The air had turned blue as the crowd grew and grew
Magockie was winning,She was using her shoe
Big barlow`s corsetts had burst wide open
her massive behind, What can you do,

Get up you trollop, Your showing us up
Your showing your sundries,Pick them all up
Barlow hit out,Down went Magockie,
That`ll teach you, Your far to cocky

Two ladies showing all they had got
Rolling in dirt ,this was their lot
a day without scrapping just wasn`t right
The Barlows and Magockies just had to fight

Copyright James Byrne

A HAUNTING BY JIM BYRNE

I spotted thee muther int middle ot neet
Hers bin dead ten year,her gid me a freet
A thowt wid geet burglers, Were sendin fot bobbies
It were thee muther knittin, Doin er hobbies

House wants doin ya big lazy oaf
ger out o yer pit, Go gerra loaf
nows not covenient, Call again later
I`ll haunt thee forever ya big fat taater

Her nagged me in life night noon and day
Her still does it now in much the same way
I`ll get one o they excorsists That`ll doot trick
Ill gid her a whack wit me big walkin stick

Her thinks i`m stupid, She knows thats not true
She flings things at me,Usually me shoe
I`m nailin them down,Cos when tha`s gont sleep
A clout round the yead with thee shoe makes thee weep

I`ll have the last laugh, She doesn`t know it
I`ll have five excorsists waitin,She`s blown it
What she`s got comin is down to herself
How dare she still nag, She`s jealous o me wealth

Copyright  James Byrne